Do you relate to endless seeking?
Trying to discover the truth of who you really are is exhausting. When I got to this point I stopped seeking and started having more fun.
What I’m about to say is my own journey. It’s not the ultimate truth because it’s different for everyone. I used to be a huge determined seeker. Every morning I would meditate, eat the right foods. do breathwork, do this, don’t do that. It was all about spirituality.
And none of this worked…
So I tried drinking medicine. I went to endless ceremonies trying different types to find the one that would finally lead me to who I was.
…Then it was travelling
…Then it was money
…Then it was sensuality
The seeking was endless and I always thought that when I finally got there I would have found the truth. However, it was actually the medicine that made me realise what I was seeking was actually me. I was already enough.
Yet I fell into the next trap of going to find a soul mate. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with this. There’s a whole movement around it, but for me, when I found my soul mate I finally fell in love with me. She ended up breaking my heart into 3,000 different pieces so that I had no idea who I was anymore. I didn’t even want to be here.
Until I realised I wasn’t dating her, I was dating the potential. Actually I didn’t even see her and she was my soul mate! So when things didn’t work out it was like a death, worse than any medicine ceremony I’d been through.
It hurt so much but slowly and surely I realised she had given me the greatest gift ever, because everything I had been looking for in her was actually within me. So I finally started to date myself. I stopped looking and now it’s great to just be me.
I was able to rest again and not be worried about finding her because I already had within me
the masculine and the feminine. I didn’t need to look outside for myself. It’s interesting though….
because it came full circle back, but by realising I’d lost myself I knew I’ll never do it again.
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